Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
