If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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