i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
