Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
