awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
