he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
