my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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