I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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