wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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