dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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