i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
