just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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