Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
