since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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