you win again, gameday.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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