A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I AM VODKA MAN
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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