Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
