You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
