I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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