I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
