My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
