Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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