I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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