he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
