i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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