She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
