just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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