Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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