wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
