So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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