You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
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They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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