He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
