new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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