Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
