Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I had to cum in my sink.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
