My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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