he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
