If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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