did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
