I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I am available for nakedness
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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