so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just had sex on a roof
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
