I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
