You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My penis needs a shock collar
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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