i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
