Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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