I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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