I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
