peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Someone signed my nipple.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
