sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
