What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
