I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
