it hurts more in the daytime
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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